“Learning From A Family Of Suicide”

Sergey Sirenevich Ziyatdinov and the spirit of his dead twin Slava. Copyright c. 2012

Fet Gede soon arrives and I’m thinking of all of my ancestors and people very dear to me that have passed on. My grandmother Emma, my puppies Emily and Chewy, I miss so many souls so much it hurts to have them gone from my life! Death is inevitable but there is apart of me that is afraid of leaving my body and even knowing about Ginen and the spirit world I am still frightened about death somewhat. I could never put a rope around my neck or put a home-made gun to my head like my husband’s family did. Not only am I afraid of death but taking yourself out is even scarier. Death makes me think of loss, blood, pain, suffering, anger, confusion. I’m reminded of Slava and Sergey, Galina’s twins, at age 16 Slava took a homemade gun, put it to his temple and blew his bits out. Fast forward to recent years in September 2009. Siren Ziyatdinov was quarreling with his wife and just like usual out of anger, he said he would kill himself. He left the house in drunken rage and did not come back. Galina found him hanging from the ceiling of the Banya, the family’s Russian sauna. On the same day my cataract ripened in my left eye, Siren committed suicide. I was afraid that this was a curse or something supernatural. But I know it was just my family medical history It is not my fault that I was born with cataracts. When my husband and I would fight sometimes he would say that his father’s spirit entered my eye and made me evil. Because like most humans, I’m REALLY a mess when I’m angry and I have a temper. But I’m not evil, just angry at the world sometimes and frustrated, like Erzulie Red Eyes. She cries and balls her fists up, upset by the world and its limitations. Sergey would tell me sometimes that his father was a nasty evil man and he would abuse the family. I am fortunate that I have a positive male role model in my life. I have thought of and tried to kill myself many times in my life, but I could never bring myself to that edge! A strange combination of fear and strength keeps me from it. I often worry that Sergey will do like his dad and brother did and take himself out. I love him and care about him deeply, and I have learned to be a stronger person because of him. I have been so down and depressed at times in my life Heroin addicts on the nod look more energetic than me. Being down and feeling horrible has made me strive to be brighter and a better person. When I laugh I laugh the loudest and when I party I dance like its my last day. I’ve learned that no matter how bad things get in life I will not let anyone or anything destroy me! That’s the key to surviving extreme depression and we can learn from suicide. Always have love and light in your life and find it wherever you can to keep going on! Don’t let the darkness swamp you!

About ErzulieRedEyesArtandSpirit

I love art, I enjoy oil painting and drawing anything I wish. Vodou is my faith and I enjoy creating artistic images of the lwa and spiritual subjects. I also paint and draw other subjects when I'm inspired! When i'm not painting and drawing I enjoy dancing, and spending time with my family. My favorite medium is Oil but I also love to work with graphite pencil, pastels, pen and ink.
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7 Responses to “Learning From A Family Of Suicide”

  1. Your story and your art is moving and alive. You seem so strong. : )

    • ErzulieRedEyesArtandSpirit says:

      Hello thank you. I’ve learned to always try to be better and be tough no matter what happens in life.

      • Waywardspirit says:

        Ha!
        It’s so cool to have your art on my blog. Your little gr avatar picture!

        I agree.
        Your dancing, like it’s your last day, I feel that.
        Hugs

      • ErzulieRedEyesArtandSpirit says:

        Thanks! Yes I know what its like to be down and be deeply depressed so i always let myself be happier than happy when i can!

      • Waywardspirit says:

        good compensating. It’s great when we get to know ourselves and live our best.

      • ErzulieRedEyesArtandSpirit says:

        Yes, life can be hard but I don’t let anything get me down anymore. Its nicer when you keep fighting through life’s ups and downs!

      • Waywardspirit says:

        And it’s so worth it! A great story like what we ourselves love to hear and watch and read. : )

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